Thursday, March 10, 2016
Thursday, February 4, 2016
The Hole Story
In case you're bored at work or just bored...
here's a short story I wrote some years ago:
The Hole Story
by Will Zeilinger
Why did I set my alarm clock? It
was Saturday and I was a firm believer that these evil devices have caused of a
lot of heart attacks in this world. Now I was awake and unconsciously fished
around under the bed with my foot until I felt my old flip-flops, now molded to
the shape of each foot from countless other Saturdays. I plodded through the kitchen scooping up my
eyeglasses from the countertop and went out onto the patio, or as my lovely wife
loves to call it, "our lanai.”
As usual I stood and scanned the
backyard though I preferred to call it “surveying the estate.” I checked the
fig, orange, and apple trees, the pomegranate bush and the lawn. Our backyard hadn't seen a drop of rain in
months and I'd always had a problem with turning on the tap and dumping
expensive water onto the ground.
My mind traveled back to my father
standing at the service station filling up the old Rambler. I'd sit in the passenger seat listening to
the gasoline pump go “ding, ding, ding.”
That's what I hear when I water the lawn. As a result, our adobe soil is as hard as the
concrete sidewalk.
This morning something was
different. I noticed something sinister near the base of the fig tree, a small
dark mound of freshly turned earth had appeared. I took a cautious step toward it when a furry
little head with eyes the size of small raisins popped up, wiggled its nose and
just as quickly disappeared.
What the…? A gopher? At least I think it was. I ran to the mound and peered inside. Too late.
It had made good on its escape.
I stood there and eyed this curious
development. Mind you, I've spent
hundreds of dollars on tillers and topsoil, and not ended up with soil as fine
as this critter created.
My first instinct was to flush it
out. I ran for the hose, shoved the pistol-grip
nozzle into the hole and squeezed the handle as a maniacal laugh came from
somewhere deep inside me.
To my surprise, the earth swallowed
the water like a bottomless pit and caused me to wonder if someone's fountain
in Shanghai suddenly came to life.
I went to “Plan B” or the pile of
football-sized stones beside the house.
In a previous life they lined a small pond that once existed on the very
spot of the incursion. I dropped one on
the hole, stomping on it twice for good measure.
Ahh – peace.
The kingdom was safe.
My loving wife praised me and
showered me with kisses, the victorious slayer of unknown creatures.
The next morning, a new mound had
appeared near the hole I had sealed. No
water this time. Another stone-and again
peace. But in my heart I knew it wasn't
over.
Friends yielded no solutions or magical incantations, just a lot of sympathy.
That left “Plan C”, the Internet. Within minutes, I found an authoritative answer from the State
Department of Fish and Game web site. The critter was a Pocket Gopher, Thomomys
bottae, to be exact, and they eat just about anything that grows, especially
plant roots.
Oh my gosh! Our Fig tree, Apple tree, Orange tree and
Pomegranate bush would soon be part of the gopher salad bar.
Deemed non-game animals by the
State of California, I could deal with them in any legal manner of my choosing;
traps, gas, poison or harassment.
Some different ideas were suggested
by well-meaning cybersouls that included: ultrasonic transmitters, Gopher Purge
plant, chewing gum, urine or an eight-inch long device powered by four
batteries which vibrated when inserted into the gopher's tunnel opening. (I
know - that's what it sounded like to me too!) I opted for harassment.
Whenever a new hole was detected I
dug it out. Another hole, more gravel,
more tamping and stomping.
My wife pointed out that this
corner of our yard looked like a diorama on World War I trench warfare
techniques. She was right.
“You're really enjoying this aren't
you?”
After three weeks of battle, I was a seasoned veteran of the
gopher wars.
“Yes, I think I do.”
At this, she pleaded with me to call a professional, but the smell
of battle lingered in my nostrils. And
so, with shovel in hand, I fought on.
In an effort to maintain tranquility on the home front, and
encourage the grass to reappear, I filled all the craters and trenches with
gravel and smoothed the soil as best I could. Afterward, I set out the lawn
sprinkler and watered the area well.
The next morning, I discovered
another hole, but this one was left open.
I trudged through the mud, poured gravel into it and closed it with
dirt. I set out the sprinkler again for
a couple of hours. The soil was now no
longer damp. It was soaked! Another open
hole appeared that afternoon. More
gravel, more dirt, more tamping. It
seemed the critter did not like wet dirt.
Damp was O.K., but wet – not so much. Maybe it was trying to dry out the
tunnel! Thus began a campaign of
saturation watering.
The following morning I again put
the little sprinkler when out of the corner of my eye - movement. Upon closer examination I saw a furry critter
with a short, rat-like tail. The soaking
wet gopher was attempting to dig a new burrow into the hard, dry adobe soil a
few feet away. I ran toward it, slapping
the shovel on the ground. It scurried
under the back fence, which led to... the alley! By the time I got into the alley, it was
gone. Peace had returned to the estate.
“Next time I’ll be ready.”
I stood with arms folded and stared
across the battlefield that was once a corner of my backyard.
My dear wife asked, “Is there going
to be a next time?”
“You never know.”
THE
END
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
My latest novel co-written with my wife Janet Elizabeth Lynn
Strange Markings is available as an Ebook or in Print from all major online booksellers
Monday, March 30, 2015
My Short Story: UNDER THE HOUSE
Find out what’s going bump in the night with stories and poetry from the most terrifying horror writers; Kevin S. Hall, Cecilia H. Doldan, Nicholas Boving, Stephen Downes, Kody Dibble, June Lundgren, Amy S. Pacini, June Rachelson-Ospa, Justin R. Beeman, Martha Jette, Debbie Johnson, Giselda Woldenga, Anthony V. Pugliese, Matt Mesnard, Rick Eddy, Michele Jones, Linda H. Gerald, Linda Jenkinson, Jake Elliot, Kally Jo Surbeck, Ekta Rawat, Mathias Jansson, Will Zeilinger, Delaina M. Waldron, Kimberly Klemm, Trisha Sugarek, Rae Desmond Jones, Jon Ospa and Samie Sands.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/samie-sands/haunted-tales-stories-from-beyond-the-grave/paperback/product-22003611.html
Friday, December 26, 2014
Slivers of Glass NOW available at all outlets in all digital formats and the NEW Print version
A dessert from the book
A very popular dessert in the 1950’s, served at the famous
Coconut Grove Night Club in Los Angeles. The “Grove” was known for its great
cuisine. The Coconut Grove is featured in one of the scenes in Slivers of Glass.
Ambrosia
Ingredients
2 oranges or tangerines
Sugar
2 bananas
Shredded coconut, unsweetened
Direction
Peel the oranges or tangerines, pull the pieces apart; cut
the pieces across the middle. Peel the bananas and cut them into thin slices.
Cover the bottom of the bowl with orange pieces. Sprinkle
1-2 teaspoons of sugar over the oranges (depending on the sweetness of the
oranges/tangerines). Put some banana slices on oranges, and then sprinkle a
little coconut over bananas.
Do the same thing for the next layer, first the oranges,
sugar, bananas and coconut. Make more layers, using all the fruit.
Sprinkle coconut on top. Cover with plastic wrap,
refrigerate for 1 hour. Serves 3-4
Saturday, November 8, 2014
This Week I am featuring Crepes Suzette by Janet Elizabeth Lynn
Crepes Suzette - A Cozy Mystery
By
Janet Elizabeth Lynn
Summary
Wrigley Rose, 25, editor of the Uptown Bulletin, decides to
take life more seriously and makes positive life affirmations. With the
encouragement of her two best girlfriends, she ventures in search of her
biological parents and a husband to begin a family of her own. She discovers that her positive life
affirmations work. She finds three great, but different guys to possibly settle
down with, plus, she finds a lead in her search for her birth parents.
The community has always loved her witty and humorous column.
But suddenly, a slander lawsuit is slapped on her and the paper. When the three
guys she thought she couldn’t live without and her job become tenuous, her life
takes drastic turns she never could have imagined. Especially when she
discovers mysterious information about her family. Wrigley is thrown into
uncharted waters and life threatening danger.
Book trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Fa5_slznoA
Excerpt
I
walked into Boss man's office for our Monday morning stand-up meeting at the
Uptown Bulletin. As usual, we were
waiting for Ed our copy guy. My
co-worker Nate the Snake was making nice with Boss Man, and Boss man's
secretary, Lucy but I call her Looney
Bin. This week she's in an outlandish,
peacock blue, pressed on lamée outfit.
First
up on the agenda was the Gay Pride Parade.
“I think Wrigley should go.” Nate
the snake whined. “She’s in charge of
the Entertainment section, not me.”
I
countered with my schedule, “I have to be at the Art Festival which brought in
thousands of dollars last week. They’re
giving the paper an award and they’re expecting me. I’m already scheduled with two other events
that Saturday.”
“I'm
not going. It's your event. You figure it out.” Nate the Snake smiled,
showing his tombstone teeth.
“I
can't,” I wanted to yell but kept the lid on it.
“I'm
not going and you can't make me,” he folded his arms, extending his chin like a
child in a tantrum.
I
watched his lips, fully expecting him to stick out his tongue.
“He
doesn't want to go Wrigs,” Boss Man looked over his shoulder at me and blew out
a smoke ring. “Make it work.”
“I
can't make it work. I can't be in two
places at once!” I think I was close to shouting.
“Okay
then send Lucy.” Nate the Snake suggested.
“I'd
love to!” spilled out of Looney Bin.
“She
can't do it!” I can just see Lucy walking down the sidewalk in her lamée with a
crowd of gay men following her while bidding on her outfit.
Everyone
looked at me, the room went dead silent.
I shouldn't have said that. Think
Wrigley, say something nice. “It's
dangerous. She doesn't know the ins and
outs of covering an event like this.”
“Okay,
I'll pick you up and I'll take you. You
review it.” Boss Man volunteered.
Silence
again. I put my hand on Looney Bin's
shoulder, “I'll give you an outline to follow.” I had to sound like I wanted to
help.
“Don't
touch me,” Looney Bin crouched to the other side of her chair.
“Okay.
Now the next thing on the agenda,” he looked at me.
“So,
why do I need a babysitter?” I protested. “I've been the editor of the
Entertainment Section for four years.
This never came up before.”
I
told myself to calm down, and stay focused.
I can't let it get to me. I'm a
big girl, I know how to take care of myself.
I tried to listen to Boss Man but I couldn't get last night's assignment
at the Bohemian Folk Music event out of my head. It gave me such a headache that I left
early. It's still echoing in my
head!
I
titled my review, “One hundred and one ways to bang on things.” Boss Man is
going to have a fit when he edits it.
Knowing him, he'll sit back in his chair, blow smoke rings and stare me
down. The number of smoke rings
determined how mad he is.
I
deliberately drank coffee this morning so I could focus for a long period of
time. Nate the Snake was talking to
Looney Bin. Her peacock blue four inch
nails and hair bands sparkled from the sky light. I saw Boss Man's mouth move, but for some
reason I couldn't process it. Focus,
Wrigley, focus. There went my stomach
again.
“So,
if I'm doing a good job,” I inquired, “why do I need a babysitter?” I really
felt indignant about this.
“Escort,
Wrigley. Escort.” Nate the Snake interrupted. “And just think, he may be some
gorgeous guy to escort you around!”
“Look,”
Boss Man stared me down with those bushy eyebrows of his. “The attorneys said I'm liable…the paper is
liable should something happen to you on an assignment. So we're sending an escort with you. Deal
with it Wrigs.”
I
hate it when he calls me Wrigs.
Recipes from the novel:
Crepes Suzette - A Cozy Mystery
By
Janet Elizabeth Lynn
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I wrote this Cookbook of recipes from Crepes
Suzette, my cozy mystery. Many readers requested recipes for the food cooked,
served and enjoyed by the characters in my novel. Enjoy!
Buy Link:
Website: www.janetlynnauthor.com
Bio
I was born in Queens, New York and
raised in Long Island, until I was 12 years old. My family escaped the freezing
winters and hurricanes for the warmth and casual lifestyle of Southern
California.
I’ve always wanted to write so made it a quest to
write a novel. Ten years later, with much blood and sweat, my first murder
mystery novel was published in 2011.
I have traveled to the far reached of the planet for
work and for pleasure, collecting wonderful memories, newfound friends and a large
basket of shampoo and conditioner samples from hotels.
Other facts about Janet:
Fact 1
I love to eat but hate to cook! So my favorite
desserts/foods must be made by others. However, I am proud to announce I have
mastered the art of making Crepes Suzette. A wonderful, simple dessert.
Fact 2
Though I’m not adopted, I’ve had wonderful friends and
college roommates who were. Many found their biological mothers, fathers,
brothers and sisters and managed to have lasting relations with them. This is
what prompted this story.
Fact 3
At one time I was an Entertainment Editor for a newspaper in
Southern California. Many of the quirky characters, i.e., Boss man, Loony Bin,
Nate the Snake are based on real people I worked with. They had regular names
but…their nicknames were in my head and diary.
Fact 4
The picture of Wrigley Rose, the heroine, on the cover was
inspired by my image of me in the after life!!
Important places to find me:
Book trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Fa5_slznoA
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/janet.lynn.5477
Twitter: https://twitter.com/JanetLynn4
e-mail: janet_lynn51@yahoo.com
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
New cover for THE NAKED GROOM
Here's the new cover for my debut novel THE NAKED GROOM - this really gives a better feel for the book!
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